某日下午接到小姨电话，说是银行招工，86的我条件可能是最后一次机会进入银行系统。小姨十万火急，专业严重偏差的我还需要很多关系才有可能。晚上小姨又电话催急，被我拒绝后小姨认为我严重的不可理喻，银行系统稳定，虽然工作辛苦但不像现在工作没日没夜不稳定且累的慌，小姨说我不懂自己是在吃青春饭，她说你想想到了年纪有几个还撑得住像你这样,你给我说你现在拿多少工资，你不想银行是你多少倍，难道一辈子这样混吗？……… 小姨激动得很，最后谈话上升至人格和家庭，小姨说：你怎么这么怪，你不想家付出这么多培养你毕业，你是家学历最高的孩子，你难道这么不懂事，你怎么越来越怪？
最后我不得不以“如果进入银行工作三个月后一定跳楼自杀”来结束这次谈话，小姨说我是威胁她，我解释这是实打实的真话和可能情形，而小姨愤愤的，仍然没能听懂。
挂了电话，我哭了，我觉得自己神智不清，嗓子也开始不舒服。
我知道你们的急，可是你知道吗，喜欢画画的那一个我长大的25年里却从未有人关心。
我的挣扎从未有人知道。
的确很累，工作两年来一直在减重，现在的体重已经需要看医生了。
但是我以我的方式在生活，我很高兴得到梦寐之中的所有，你知道自由的感觉吗？只有在追寻呼唤时才能得到的自由。
我对自己所做的事情感到自豪，如果所有人都只想进银行这个社会会是非常恐怖的，你知道这个匆忙看似平静的城市表面下隐藏了多少人的无知和蒙昧，你知道多少人的灵魂需要唤醒和拯救？我觉得自己很幸运，不是所有人都有幸体会这种焦虑。你知道我所做的事情需要投身，很多人都坚持不下去了，因为它很难和很累。你知道我在做的事情只有一小部分人在做，我们的力量太小，一个人的时间精力有限，而我们群体的人数屈指可数。
谢谢你的担心，但是你的担心不是指责我的选择，我需要你给我力量。
我曾经说过这个世界上很多孩子像珍珠一样散落，他们都是会发出温润光亮的宝贝，但如果不加以呵护和打磨，珍珠将会变得平庸，这个世界也随之失去了存在的精彩。
请不要指责我，请给我力量。我生到这个世界只是想做一朵向阳花。
Just want to be a sunflower
One afternoon I get a phone call from my ant, she says the bank she’s working at is recruiting new people, it might be the last change for me to get into bank, cause it’s their last time recruit my age’s employee, she’s very anxious cause I graduated from the major Japanese that is very far from the people bank will interest to, then she might need to help get a lot of “guanxi”（relationship）to make me work in bank. Then that night I get her call again even I already refused her and said “I don’t want to work in bank”, she thinks I’m hardly to understand, out of all reason, working in bank this kind of system is stable way of living, is hard but much much more easy if compare with the work I’m doing now, she says I’m eating and living by my youth now, but when time past by how many people can still hold on like this? She ask”how much salary do you get? If you never thought about working in bank you get times of salary than what you get now, you will also much more easier get a stable boyfriend, you want to roll over your time like this for your life?”…….then our talking becomes the talk of my personality and my family relationship, she says”I never see somebody such strange, your family tried hard to support you go to collage, you never think of them, you are the child who get the highest degree of the hole family, but you still don’t understand things, why you become more and more strange?”
In the end I only can end this talk by”if I will work in bank I will suicide during three month”, because she’s so passion wants to talk me over, she says I’m threatening her, but she don’t understand I’m trying to say a thing really could happen.
I cried after put down the phone, I feel my mind start to be unclear and my throat feel bad.
I thanks the people who think for me a lot, but, do you know that I love paint a lot but no one ever care about me during the 25 years.
My struggling, nobody know, nobody care.
Yes, I’m very tied from my work, I’ve continue loosing weight during this two years’ working.
But I’m living by my way, I’m happy I get the life that I never dare dream about, do you know the feeling of freedom？The freedom you can only get when you are chasing your calling?
I’m proud of what I’m I doing, if everybody all just want to get into bank, the society will be a very terrible society, can you see under the busy and peaceful surface of the city it hidden how many people’s blind and ignorant, you know how many soul anxiously need to be save and wake up? I feel I’m very lucky, not so many people can feel this kind of anxious. You know, the thing that I’m working with need commit yourself into it, it’s hard, so many people already failed in consist, you know there’s only few people working on it, we are so few people already, each single person’s time and energy’s limited, the work’s huge, there’s great need from this city.
Thank you for think for me, but the “think” is not blame me not choose bank, I need your support and give me power.
I said before, there’s many children like pearls fall into corners of this big world, they all could shine and it will be very warm and soft shining light, but they might need caring, otherwise they will become indifferent, boring and common, then the world will loose it’s wonderful part of being a world.
So, please give me power, I born to this world just want to be a flower always can chase the sun.
